what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
