Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
