My friends, they love my intelligence
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Everyone says I win the strip club
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
