If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize