Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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