Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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