Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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