saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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