I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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