My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
