i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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