yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
