I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
