Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize