Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
