Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
