Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
