So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
