I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
