so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
