you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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