The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
