Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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