he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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