I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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