Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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