cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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