Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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