I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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