I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
