he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
