I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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