Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
