My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
