i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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