My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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