I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
of course. lets lasso hookers.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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