Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
