Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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