M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
