Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
