I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We smell like vodka and hangover
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