can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
