Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think my fart just growled at me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
