I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
