The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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