I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
