I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
