So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
