It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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