part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
