I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
