Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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