Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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