I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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