last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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