If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
